Today in the news!

Hereye hereye! Here are today's top stories as decided by my dog, Stu.

Republican leaders in the Senate finally (FINALLY!) announced this morning that they would no longer put off voting in Obama's pick for a new U.S. Attorney General to succeed Eric Holder.  Obama nominee Loretta Lynch would be the first black woman in American history to hold the position and has been waiting an embarrassing five months for confirmation. ("Five months? Bitch, please. Try two hundred years" - Black people). Republicans now say there's nothing standing in the way of confirming Lynch except for abortion, birth control, Obamacare, gay marriage, immigration, religious freedom, and the Keystone Pipeline. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters, "We're so close now.  Just as soon as our colleagues agree to this rider stating that everything they believe in is a blasphemy that makes Jesus cry, we can quickly confirm the new attorney general. The ball is in their court."

In unrelated entertainment news today, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, two totally reasonable celebrities and parents to (human? vegetable?) children Apple and Moses, have officially filed for divorce---to which an entire nation collectively sighed and said, "Wait, didn't that already happen?" and also, "Who are you even talking about Mom? What the heck is Shakespeare in Love? God, you're lame." For more on Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's sad romantic tragedy, I invite you to please head on over to Paltrow's website, GOOP, where you can both share in her pain and also purchase a single diamond earring stud for $200. Oh, the sadness.

In other news, perpetually good looking and desperate for work former Ripper, John Stamos (AKA Jesse Catsopolis of Jesse and the Rippers) has confirmed the Full House reboot nobody asked for. Also according to Stamos, the reboot will take even bigger risks and go even further than the original: Says Stamos: "This time around, we're not even going to try with jokes. The new Full House will just be a half hour of adorable children, canned audience sighs, straight-up moral posturing and a fifteen minute Christian sermon lead by Candace Cameron Bure. We're all really pumped."

"YES! WE ARE SO PUMPED!"  agreed that girl you went to middle school with who still works at Publix and talks endlessly about her dead grandparents all day. "YES! I loved Full House as a kid! Finally, now I have something to look forward to!" And then she immediately burst into tears, continuing, "Oh God, my life!  Is this really it??"

(Yes, it is.) So here's a short video to get you through the agony of this seriously being it: Billy on the Street with David Letterman, courtesy of Funny or Die. Just give it a watch before you contemplate the agony of existence and climb out onto that window ledge. Hooray Tuesday!