My high school yearbook is the dumbest thing on Earth.

So last week, my parents shipped me three of my old high school yearbooks, which in total weighed approximately 20 lbs. 20 effing lbs! Originally I'd asked for them so I could share them with my husband, whose adorable little anorexic yearbook looks like this next to mine:

If you do not eat something soon you will DIE, tiny yearbook! You will DIE. Is that what you want???

Now, keep in mind I grew up in Florida, where logic and reason are mainly just the nonsense gibberish words police officers use on you when you set the lawn on fire again. (Hey officer, my sister and I got it the first time, thanks!) Sure there were more students at my high school than his, but only because my high school was the only giant idiot prison for miles and miles.  But even that didn't explain the 600 extra pages.

You're too skinny, tiny yearbook! How many doctors need to tell you this before you'll listen???

Why so many damn pages? Let's examine a bit more in-depth, shall we?

I TOTALLY DO have hobbies! You think these little pewter anime dragons are going to collect themselves???

Guys, everyone has hobbies! Like gardening or reading or sobbing quietly into a pillow. FYI: these full-page articles make up the first EIGHTY THREE pages of my yearbook. Let's look at a few of the highlights:

"Ugh, my mom will KILL me if I fail lunch again."

Lunch is the most popular class, but only because most students do not understand what a "class" is. (Is class that thing I go to BEFORE or AFTER the mall? Has anyone here ever been to a class? Does anyone here remember what the name of the school is? How much harder do these questions get?)

This school is a fucking Liberian Dictatorship!!

"The no eating in the courtyard rule is RIDICULOUS. Just lunacy, fucking LUNACY, Marie! This is a Nazi death camp is what this is and I can't do it any longer! I CAN'T DO IT!!" Ten minutes after his interview with journalists, this student set himself on fire. Also this was a full page article.

This is invaluable information.

Everyone has a hobby. Even sad, lonely Erin Adamson

Did you know there are a total of 478 parking spots? Did you know Erin Adamson collects bottles? Did you know collecting bottles is a thing? Is collecting bottles seriously not a thing? Did you know Mr. Cinquino shits on average three times a day, maybe four if he drinks that extra cup of coffee? Did you know there are at least 2 of these stupid boxes on every page? Okay then.

Here we have 1996:

Hall Passes will get you out of class. 

Aaaaaaaand 1997:

No seriously, Hall Passes will get you out of class. We apologize the first article was not comprehensive.

 "Lunch hour is filled with food." - Einstein

FYI: researching this story almost got the journalist killed.

"And being 18 makes you one year closer to 19, and 19 - 1 = 18 and 18 - 1 = 17, and ugh, why didn't I take more Math instead of just Lunch and Advanced Lunch?!"

Counting!

More on this story as it develops.