The Fucking White House Correspondents Dinner.

Each year, major players from politics, celebrity and the media -- otherwise known as the Venn Diagram of Oh Fuck-All -- gather together in Washington for a night of self-congratulatory star-fucking and cocksuckery. This once a year mutual masturbation party is called The White House Correspondents Dinner, and it's basically a night for old rich white assholes (from inside the pockets of other old rich white assholes) to congratulate each other on the absolutely stellar job they're doing, but maybe also get their dicks as close to Mila Kunis as possible.

"Say, how close is your dick to Mila Kunis?" "Oh, my dick is pretty close, like only centimeters away. How close is your dick, Wolf Blitzer?" "Oh, my dick is always pretty close to Mila Kunis."

This year, celebrated White House correspondents (like the cast of Modern Family) paid tribute to the victims of the recent devastating earthquake in Nepal by getting super drunk and simply not mentioning it at all in any way.  This is called "journalism." However, all were agreed that Sophia Bush  (who is an actress?) and got word only hours prior that her boyfriend was killed in the Quake, gave the most touching three-sentence Instagram tribute before taking the red carpet by storm with Connie Britton in resplendent teal Balenciaga.

Which brings us to today's eye-candy-- the only two things worth watching from this year's White House Correspondent's Dinner, which I am 100% proud to say came from the genius brains of two of my favorite former teachers. First up we have President Obama addressing the audience with his special guest, anger translator Luther. (The climate change rant at the end is especially fun.)

Next up (and the highlight of the entire night, in my opinion) we have SNL's Cecily Strong absolutely killing it in a set co-written by SNL's Josh Patten. Give it a watch and then weep for the sorry state of American journalism. Happy Monday!