Today in the news!

Good afternoon - here are today's top stories as determined by me since there's nobody else sitting here in my living room.

At an event in Ankara on Tuesday, Turkish Prime Minister Ahmet Davutoglu brought serious accusations against 'New Coke' Pope Francis (AKA"Cool Pope" or "Chill Pope" or "Pope Frankie Awesome") after Francis' description of the Ottoman-era slaughter of Armenians as "the first true genocide of the 20th Century" was not, shall we say, very well received by the Turkish Prime Minister. ("Look, Nu-Pope, I don't know what you're even talking about here. The Ottomans were very cool, very misunderstood. Really, if you think about it, The Ottomans were like the Bart Simpsons of Turkey.") Davutoglu has since accused the New and Improved KFC Recipe Pope of "joining an evil front" against Turkey (an axis that undoubtedly includes mustard and ketchup, two demonic condiments that have been conspiring against Turkey for YEARS) and consequently rescinded all Turkish ambassadors to Rome. In response, Cool Chill Pope Frankie Awesome advised the Prime Minister to "just chill the eff down, dude, just chill," and then he immediately put on his Cool Pope sunglasses and backwards-pointing Cool Pope Pontiff Hat and left to go hang with Jay-Z and Beyonce on their Yacht: the S.S. Cooler Than You. This story is ongoing.

In other news, Hillary Clinton's Presidential announcement was met with an organized, logical and thoughtful response from Republican opposition this week. No, I'm totally kidding. While Rand Paul stated that he will "Absolutely treat Hillary Clinton like a real person and not a hormonal talking Vagina, as others might," Bill O' Reilly put out a desperate APB to the true victims in this whole Clinton Running For President farce--white male Christians, who have indeed suffered for hundreds of years at the oppressive hands of white male stupidity. But perhaps my favorite response came from GOP strategist and Person Who Has Quite Enough Estrogen Thanks, Ana Navarro: "I don't need her (Clinton) to drown me in Estrogen every time she opens her mouth. Every time she opens her mouth, it is about the granddaughter and Chelsea's wedding and the yoga routines. " Which sure sounds like fightin' words to me. So. Do you hear that, former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton? You need to stop talking about goddamn Yoga. Republican Strategist Ana Navarro is sick of you constantly bringing up yoga. Also, Ana Navarro has enough Estrogen, thanks. Any other lady candidates for president looking for a place to dump their buckets of estrogen will simply have to go find Rand Paul, who totally loves estrogen but would challenge it as he would a man and treat it totally normal.

Finally, in entertainment news, Billy Joel and girlfriend Christie Brinkley are pregnant! Wait, sorry, I was reading a headline from 1985. Let me start again. Today in entertainment news, Kindly Old Drunk Grandpa Billy Joel and girlfriend Alexis Roderick are pregnant!  In response to this news, Joel's 29 year old daughter released the following statement to the press: "EW."

But hey, let's celebrate this joyous (or totally depressing) news with today's afternoon eye-candy - a fun Late Late Show bit called Karaoke Monday with American Idol favorite, Jennifer Hudson. Because who doesn't want to watch a car full of famous people singing their drive-thru order? (People who work at drive-thrus, I'm assuming?) Anyway, give it a watch and enjoy your Wednesday! (Just kidding, keep crying at your desk, it'll all be over soon.)