My Bathroom Ceiling is Caving In

Today is Fix it Felix Wednesday -- an exciting holiday I made up just now to celebrate the fact that someone has finally come to fix the giant bubble of plaster about to burst over the tub in my bathroom. Hooray! My husband and I have been waiting and waiting for this for a Hot NYC Renter's Minute, which for all you normals outside of NYC is the equivalent of roughly one year of the phrase "OK, I will come by to fix next week." And even though the professional currently fixing my bathroom is technically just the landlord's brother's first cousin who has no verifiable credentials and should probably not be fixing ceilings at all, I'm pleased that my bathroom will at least no longer be in a state of imminent collapse (or else it will remain in a state of imminent collapse but will look really nice), which is all you can ask for when you live in a matchbox shitscape underneath the train tracks in Queens.

Here is a dramatic recreation of my maintenance issues

I actually asked the landlord to please remove the mold as well, although I might as well have asked him for dancing leprechauns or singing pandas. I said, "Since the apartment was never renovated and there's like 10 years of mold it would be great if you could clear that out."

"OK," he said, "I will repaint."

"Repaint? No, I need you to remove the mold. It has to be removed at least six inches below the baseboards."

"Yes, I will remove the wallpaper and give it a nice coat of paint."

To be clear, my landlord speaks perfect English but acts as if there's some insane language barrier between us. Like when I asked him to please replace the kitchen fixtures which have been broken since before Obama was elected, he was all, "Replace? OK, I will fix." And when I replied that the fixtures don't need fixing they actual replacing he was like, "What was that? OK, I will fix, they're perfectly good fixtures, sounds good, OK, talk to you later, bye bye," which is the shitty-landlord equivalent of AHHH I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M GOING INTO A TUNNEL AHHHH NO STATIC NOISES.

But like I said, I'm grateful that anyone with eyeballs and hands and tools is in there at all, ripping apart my ceiling and replacing it with, I'm pretty sure, some sort of insecure cardboard. All that matters is the ceiling will be fixed now, if by fixed you mean haphazardly patched with unsafe materials, and really what more could I ask for? (An actual contractor who replaces ceilings.) Nevertheless! Three cheers for Fix-it Wednesday!

So before my NEW bathroom ceiling inevitably caves in on me, here's a fun little oldie but goodie from Will Ferrell and the gang at Funny or Die called "The Landlord," which is an accurate representation of NYC landlords. Enjoy and don't forget to show your appreciation for the glorious intact ceiling in your bathroom because truly, there's nothing like coming home to a nice glass of Cabernet and a mold-free bathroom ceiling. FYI, this is how low the bar is set now.