Hillary is running for President! Hillary is DEFINITELY running for president! (Don't you ruin this for Hillary!)

Good morning, all! The news is in and it is official! Hillary Clinton is running for president! Hillary Clinton is definitely, for sure, absolutely 100% running for president! Glory be to the gods of wisdom! Glory be to the gods of miracles! Glory be to the--oh whatever, people, we all knew this was coming.

The genteel, soft-lipped former first wallflower officially announced her candidacy last night via Twitter, although her campaign was quoted as saying she seriously considered both Pinterest and Snapchat for the big announcement. Ultimately, Clinton decided to go with Twitter because 1) what is Snapchat? and 2) what is Pinterest? but most of all 3) "Young people like The Twitter, and certainly Clinton didn't want to seem flippant or disconnected from her audience." And then in a whisper, "Oh shit, do you think she seemed flippant? Was it flippant? Did it come off flippant? Oh god please don't let her fire me."

In an exclusive immediately following the announcement, which was filmed live from Clinton's home office in Chappaqua, NY, where the words FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS, FROM MY COLD DEAD MOTHERFUCKING HANDS appeared to have been written over and over on the walls as well as on the desk and all the furniture, Clinton addressed the camera directly to deliver an important message to the American people:

"Hello," she said, "My name is Hillary Clinton and I am officially announcing my candidacy for President. Do you know me? I know you know me. Don't pretend like you don't fucking know me or what you did to me back in 2008, because we both know that shit's not gonna fly in 2016. Do you hear me, you stupid idiot morons? I know half of you think global warming is just a description of God's enduring love for the Fourth of July and the other half are just waiting for your cat videos to load, so listen up, America. If you dumbo ignorant asshats screw this up for me again, I swear to god  I will break into all of your homes in the middle of the night and take all of your children. Or else I will have someone else do it for me because I'm incredibly rich and that is a lot of children and I don't like carrying more than one cell phone, let alone more than one child, but EITHER WAY. Don't you fuck with me America. Do not fuck with me. I am Hillary Clinton and I WILL be your next president, so help me God."

Hillary 2016! Let's go, bitches!

Please see below for this official video from Hillary Clinton and then run outside and enjoy this beautiful, glorious Monday! (Just kidding, it's Monday, you can go ahead and cry inconsolably at your desk if you want.)