*emerged from inside a wine box
Today in Please Just Stop Talking You're Making It Worse, America's Favorite Dad Rapist Bill Cosby appeared on Good Morning America (which I'm assuming is now searching for a new booking agent) to promote his new campaign to improve upon education in Alabama.
|Hello friend. I am in total control of this interview just as long as you ask me zero questions.|
But things went south fast when anchor Linsey Davis asked Cosby what he might say to a child curious about the endless sexual assault allegations leveled against him. He responded:
"I am prepared to tell this young person the truth about life. I’m not sure that they will come like that. I think that many of them say, well, “You’re a hypocrite. You say one thing, you say the other.” My point is, okay, listen to me carefully. I’m telling you where the road is out. I’m telling you where, as you’re driving, you’re gonna go into water, and it looks like it might only be three inches deep, but you and your car are gonna go down. Now you wanna go here? Or you wanna be concerned about who’s giving you the message?"
Then, unsure his point had been made, he thoughtfully added, "Listen. Lets talk about the big white airplane here. It has four walls, a roof, a pool, a second bathroom. Okay? Listen to me carefully. You look out the windsheild. Fish are coming at you, but they have teeth, the teeth may actually be robots, do you understand? Do you want to go there? Or you wanna be concerned with who's giving you the message? Look. I could tell you where the road gives out, but you're in an airplane and all the roads are down here. Where are you? You're a hypocrite. Do you understand? My point is, piranhas are gunning for you and the plane's going down and you're nowhere near the highway. Niagara Falls is burning and where are you? In the air underwater. Fudityblughtfibitit Jello Jello Jello Jello." And then he just crawled under a chair where he said only his real friends could see him, and asked if somebody could please be so kind to send for that delightful intern with the nice ass and tits who seemed kind of interested in show biz, he'd like to make her a drink. This story is ongoing.
In WTF Are You Even Talking About News, Fox has once again bravely protected the viewing public from deviant rampant sexuality --this time, from 19th Century Cubist and Known Pornographer, Pablo Picasso, whose Les Femmes d'Alger sold for $179 million at auction this week, making it the most expensive painting on Earth. Luckily, a local Fox News affiliate managed to get the real scoop on this "painting"--namely its controversial, pornographic and lewdly realistic depictions of deviant female sexuality:
|Fox News protecting us from the rampant slutty whorishness of this painting|
I just want to say, thank you Fox News for censoring this painting. For a minute there I was worried I might have to explain to my children why cubed women always flounce around with their three breasts flapping about. And what an uncomfortable conversation that would've been.
Finally, in Jobs and the Economy, for those of you looking to spread your professional wings and fly off in search of "new challenges" I ask you to please direct all inquiries to Amtrak, who --despite some very minor recent struggles -- is totally hiring! So if you're looking for the PR challenge of a lifetime that will be totally worth the shitty pay once all the various body parts and brain matter have been hosed off the tracks, Communications Lead at Amtrak is the job for you! Just like they say in the job description, your success is just a train ride away!
So that's all the humanity I can be bothered to pay attention to this week. Here's a video of Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus wearing animal-shaped Onsies doing a (pretty good) cover of Crowded House's Don't Dream It's Over, because really, can there be anything more apropos than that?
Enjoy your weekend, guys. I know it's hard leaving this blog for a few days, but try not to jump off any buildings.