Today in the news!

Good afternoon! Here are today's top stories as decided by me because there's noone else in this living room.

Second Amendment Mascot George Zimmerman, the gunman who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin two years ago, was himself shot in a road rage incident in Lake Mary yesterday in what members of the local community are describing as both "a delightful turn of events" and "completely hilarious." Matthew Apperson, the shooter, insists that Zimmerman threatened him multiple times and that Apperson was merely defending himself, while Zimmerman's lawyer, Don West, insists Zimmerman himself was not the aggressor. Members of local law enforcement responded today to West's claims, stating, in between full-belly laughs, "Sure, there's one we've never heard before." Zimmerman is unfortunately expected to make a full recovery.

Moving on to Reasons To Not Ever Leave My House, a woman was randomly attacked in Union Square last night by a hammer wielding stranger because apparently my nightmares have begun to leak from my brain. WNBC reports that among the five billion people clogging Union Square like a toilet, not a single person noticed a woman being bludgeoned practically to death with a hammer, because sorry it's rush hour and I was looking at my phone, what were we talking about again? Oh, right. A hammer-wielding maniac. With so few leads and details to go on at this point, the NYPD has put out an APB for either an 8-bit Nintendo turtle or the first available black man they can find.

If you see either of these dangerous hammer-wielding turtles, please call the NYPD. They're right on top of it.

In a related story, I will be nowhere near Union Square.

Finally, in News That Will Definitely Fuck The Environment But Who Cares Because America! Capitalism! Freedumb!, the Obama Administration has granted conditional approval to Shell to begin exploratory drilling in the Arctic, which will allow the oil company to begin drilling in earnest this summer in the Chukchi Sea off the northwest coast of Alaska. Shell's drilling plan proposes up to six wells in an area about 70 miles offshore, a move scientists and really anyone with a working brain describes as "mindblowingly stupid," although proponents of the move like former Alaska Governor Sean Parnell and South Park's Satan and Saddam Hussein have all praised the strategy, insisting, "This is totally perfect for our plan to turn Earth into a horrific fiery molten lava hellscape."

"Congratulations. You're doing great work, America." - Satan

Shell, for its part, maintains that the work they're doing is top notch and totally safe, seriously so safe, like really super SUPER safe, so please don't worry you guys or pay any attention to any of Shell's previous environmental catastrophes because that would be unfair, like really, really unfair to Shell because they're 100% all about thoughtfulness and safety now:

"We have taken a thoughtful approach to carefully considering potential exploration in the Chukchi Sea, recognizing the significant environmental, social and ecological resources in the region and establishing high standards for the protection of this critical ecosystem," BOEM Director Abigail Ross Hopper said in a statement. She then added:

"We here at Shell are committed to getting you to your extinction not just on time, but early. This is our thoughtful approach. Whether it's making sure you never use biofuel or drilling in the arctic against the advice of literally every climate scientist on Earth, we're committed to fucking the environment right in its pretty little asshole. And in fact our commitment to excellence requires that we fuck not just the environment, but literally everyone on planet Earth, all of the species currently living. Here at Shell we believe this is part of our mission, and drilling in the Chukchi Sea will provide us with an unparalleled opportunity." She then smiled and finished, "So get ready to bend over, Antarctica." And then paused thoughtfully to add, "A little further than you're already bent."

So. Depressed yet? Aren't you glad you're alive? Isn't it beautiful, being part of this giant quilt of human interaction that we call life? Well, here's something to either cheer you up or make you feel way worse. It's Jimmy Fallon and U2 performing U2's greatest hits on the 42nd Street subway platform, which really only goes to prove that regardless of who you are -- whether U2 or a hammer wielding maniac-- nobody gives a shit about you during rush hour in New York. Enjoy! Happy Tuesday!