Today in the News!

Good afternoon! Today in REAL news (that's REAL news - AKA news that hasn't been intercepted by our shadow government, the mainstream media coven, the Illuminati, our inevitable alien overlords and/or our Muslim Kenyan Illegal Socialist Warlock president, Barack Voldemort Obama) Texas has saved us again! That's right, The Sovereign Six-Shooter Cowboy Yee Haw Nation State of Texas has once again uncovered a sinister plot against its own citizens -- this time in the form of a "military exercise" (AKA death panel) called Operation Jade Helm (AKA Operation Murder All Texans But Make It Look Like An Accident.) Jade Helm, of course, is the brainchild of the U.S. Military under the control of King Barack Saddam Hussein Adolf Hitler Benghazi, but if you don't believe me (or would like to know more,) please just follow me into this tiny windowless backroom behind a secret wall so I can ensure our chat is unencumbered by CIA listening devices.

My very reliable source tells me that Texas is under attack

The hullabaloo started on Monday afternoon, when Lt. Col. Mike Listoria hosted a press conference in Austin to brief the public on some "joint Navy Seal/Green Beret training exercises taking place on a military base in Texas, called Operation Jade Helm." (REAL AMERICANS KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING SOCIALISM BENGHAZI.)  And while it's true that Texas has enough military bases to casually attack China, and that the military has conducted regular training on these bases ever since the battle of San Jacinto, the tea-partying public took enormous issue with Operation Jade Helm because--and here is where the Illuminati doesn't want you to make the connection-- six Walmarts (SIX WHOLE WALMARTS!) all closed at the same time prior to the press conference, supposedly "for renovations" (AKA to be remodeled as Terrorist Hubs ISIS SHARIA LAW DEATH CAMPS NUCLEAR WINTER BENGHAZI.)

Terrorism at low prices! This video will tell you all you need to know about our future Muslim overlords' spacious Walmart headquarters

And don't even get me started on the barrage of international political prisoners that our warlock vampire smoke monster president plans to shuttle in to West Texas and settle into FEMA deaths camps until all of Texas is basically just a Middle-Eastern Terrorist stronghold, and the Kardashians are covered in head to toe burtkas (how will we be able to slut-shame the circumference of Kim K's booty?! HOW??!) and we're all just praising Allah and blowing ourselves up in effigy instead of getting fat and watching cat memes-- shit is someone listening in on this? Are you wearing a wire? WHO ARE YOU AND WHO DO YOU WORK FOR??!!

Actual text from a letter sent to a conservative talk show by an anonymous Texas Ranger. Oh who the fuck am I kidding? It was this dude:

Chuck Norris will protect us.

Which was why rookie Republican Governor Greg Abbott, in an understandable effort to keep his citizens safe from the inevitable Alas Babylon Dystopia about to be imposed upon them, announced he was ordering the Texas National Guard to keep watch over the United States Military during Operation Jade Helm. Because at the end of the day, Texas understands better than anyone else the glory of ill-conceived unwinnable battles.

So, to recap, Texas is the new stronghold for ISIS. Prison camps will be erected by FEMA. Weapons will be provided by Walmart.  (Frankly not such a stretch for Walmart) This information is 100% accurate. THANKS OBAMA.

Please see below for the full(er) report from Jon Stewart and then please excuse me,  I'd like to head out to my spaceship now so I can JUST LEAVE THE EARTH.

Happy Wednesday, friends!