Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Dance Moms: Proof that humanity may not deserve to live

So I'm a huge fan of Sia's Chandelier video, which features the adorably talented Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms, a reality show about horrible middle-aged women and the mature nine year olds who raise them.

Maddie Ziegler in Chandelier. Also the only sane person on this entire show.
Maddie Ziegler in Sia's Chandelier. She is the only sane person on this entire show.

And while we're on the subject of insane musical works of art starring Maddie Ziegler, let's drop Elastic Heart--Sia's sister video to Chandelier--right here, because you must enjoy the two of them together like cheese paired with a fine wine:

ART!
ART!


So, Dance Moms. You guys, I tuned in expecting to see little Maddie Ziegler and instead what I saw was an Amtrak train wreckage of middle-aged horrors; some sort of bedazzled crazytrain of shrieking and hair-pulling and absolute madness sandwiched in between the occasional wide-camera shot of dancing children. Like what is even happening here?

If your kid beats my kid at this meaningless local dance competition I swear to God I will SLASH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING THROAT.

As I watched this televised black hole of catty stupid misery, I couldn't help but realize that this is all we as humans have now to represent us to our eventual alien overlords. Just imagine it, okay? It's the future and visitors from a neighboring galaxy have just touched down. They emerge from their glittering space capsules in search of information about the crux of humanity, and some asshole in nowhere Kansas hands them a video of the season four finale of fucking Dance Moms, and they immediately destroy us.

An eight year old covered in blood playing Carrie White at the prom (PS: This routine will win or I will SLASH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING THROAT.)

One of the final dances of this particular episode is called Citizenship. It is about a little girl's ability to triumph over adversity but also somehow about the glory of a little girl (AKA an adult coach's) desperation to get revenge against her enemies but also, truly, it's about America and oh who am I kidding, it's about absolutely nothing, you guys. The girls all wear American flags here because PATRIOTISM! and the instructor's adopted daughter from Bolivia runs in at the end with a literal American flag. She climbs a ladder and all the other girls salute her as a metaphor because ART and AMERICA and TRIUMPH! Or absolutely nothing. Later, the moms of these impossibly talented children all go fucking insane and instigate a physical fight with the other moms of other children on other teams because women be crazy bitches. ART! AMERICA! TRIUMPH! This is the lynchpin of Lifetime's "television for women" Tuesday night lineup, you guys. This and a show about lady midgets who dress sexy and love to party. Welcome to twenty-first century pop culture, fellow humans. This is what we're offering now to the universe.

I may never stop throwing up.

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