MORE GUNS!

Not to get too political here (except I'm about to get SUPER political here) but what the hell is wrong with us, collectively, as human American people, that this shit still goes on and nobody seems to care? Oh, another school shooting? Such a shame, guess it must be a Tuesday, oh well, let's get onion rings!

 Totally normal day!

Did you know that in 2014 alone, there were 88 separate school shootings? 88! If you counted Senile Pop Crooner Tony Bennett's age in tree rings, those tree rings would equal the number of school shootings in this country per year, and Tony Bennett was born in the goddamn 1920s!

Look, people. I just want to clarify that we're all totally cool with this. We're all super okay with the sheer volume of deaths in this country due to firearms. Yes? Because the second amendment and guns and tyranny and bibles. Right?  This is where we're at now?

Here's my question: why are we unable to create and enact better gun laws? Why are we so paralyzed by inaction that we can't  even talk about it? How is it that every time we even TRY, the conversation mutates into an ugly game of telephone where the message becomes OBAMA'S TAKING THE GUNS! ALL THE GUNS! WE MUST PROTECT THE GUNS! CONSTITUTION! CIVIL RIGHTS! SECOND AMENDMENT! BENGHAZI! (The second amendment, by the way, only guarantees your right to defend yourself as part of a well-regulated militia, but whatever. Who cares about facts? )

Look, let me make an analogy: you're allowed to own a car. Right? And you're allowed to drive that car wherever you'd like. Right? You want to go to California? Boom. You drive that spunky little Prius right on down to California, girl. You drive like the wind. Say hi to Ryan Gosling for me (and then punch him in the face for The Notebook). Just keep in mind that you are not allowed to just do whatever the hell you want with that Prius. You cannot drive it without a license. You cannot drive it without having been properly trained. You cannot drive drunk. You cannot drive it unregistered. You cannot drive on the opposite side of the road or on the sidewalk or into a fucking Arbys just because you feel like it and freedom! the constitution! civil rights! That is simply not how "civil rights" work. You have the "right" to own and operate a dangerous weapon, you do not have the right to just do whatever the fuck you want with that dangerous weapon. We understand this about cars, but cannot grasp this about guns? Why?

Perhaps because here in America, we worship the gods of unchecked capitalism, which involves  something called profitability, which essentially comes from the marketing of fear: fear of scaaaaaaaary people (AKA black people), fear of being murdered, fear of not fitting in, fear of not being sexy enough, fear of not having enough money, fear of not having enough things, fear of not having the right clothes or enough hair, fear of not being smart enough or fast enough, fear, fear, fear, fear, all the time fear. America runs on fear! It's like Dunkin Donuts, but with 80% more murders.

The bottom-line is this: an unafraid America is an unprofitable America. And unafraid Americans buying fewer guns is totally unprofitable for the gun industry, which in turn is unprofitable for politicians and the NRA-- who by the way are all 100% in the pockets of wealthy gun manufacturers who don't give a shit whether you live or die-- which in turn makes you, my dear gun owning, gun-rights-toting friend, a patsy for the uber-rich and a stupid fucking idiot for fueling a dangerous narrative that kills over 1000 people every year.

To be clear: the government is never (not ever) going to take away the paranoid stash of guns from your Ebola safe room, Billybob J. Moron-- but it's super profitable for the gun industry to let you THINK the government is taking away your guns.  Because if you think people are taking away your guns you'll buy more guns. Just like if you think your child's school might morph into a warzone, you'll BUY MORE GUNS!

MORE GUNS!!!!!!

Yes, it's far, far better to live this this way, don't you think? Mired in an ignorant culture of meritless ethnocentrism, evangelism and fear. And guns. Lots of guns. Lots and lots of guns. Because as we all know, the only thing that solves fear is more guns, and the only thing that solves more guns is more guns, and the only thing that solves more and more and more guns is bigger and bigger and bigger guns with more and more ammo, and the only thing that solves bigger guns with more ammo is assault weapons with more ammo, and the only thing that solves assault weapons with more ammo is more guns and more ammo and MORE GUNS and maybe some TANKS and MORE GUNS and also several copies of the old testament, because clearly what Jesus wanted was lenient open carry laws and untrained teachers in classrooms with guns.

Wake up, people. Wake. The fuck. Up.