Facebook Intervention Needed

I'd like to begin by saying I am an admitted Facebook addict - sometimes, to the point where I'm literally refreshing like a dude waiting for a 15 minute gang bang on Xtube to load. But don't get me wrong - I totally understand that this is ludicrous. That in another era, this would have been considered visual and emotional torture. ("Jaimala, come look at photos of Grandma's trip to Seminole Bingo in Tallhassee. There are six rolls and two hours of video footage, one of which may or may not have been shot with the lens cap on - you know how your grandfather is retarded.")

But sometimes, in between obsessively spying on my friends' walls and photos and event invitations, it just strikes me - how the internet has somehow turned eavesdropping, voyuerism and torturous trips through photo albums into something not unlike an out of control Heroin binge.

I don't even know what it is about Facebook - if maybe it's the sheer volume of useless updates, that when added all together form a social networking algebraic principal similar to when you add all negative numbers to create a positive, and perhaps this somehow releases specific social-networking endorphins in the brain - and thus in the end going through some old middle school acquaintance's photo album feels like you've just come all over the place and need a cigarette.

Whatever the case, I do have enough self awareness to worry that I will eventually end up on one of those A&E shows about addiction. That I will give an incoherent, on-camera interview about Facebook while desperately surfing Facebook, and then a substance abuse counselor will somberly gather all my friends and family in some remote motel which I will know nothing about until the "lunch with Mom/exit interview," at which time they will all sob and clutch letters that begin with, "Jaime, we worry that Facebook is becoming like a family member to you. Please X out of your Status Feed and graciously accept this gift of rehabilitation today..."

So. Having said that, I was surfing Ye Olde (or Ye New) Facebook today and noticed a bunch of interesting quirks which I would like to now share with you, my blogland friends. (Sidenote: Do you see how even when I'm blogging I immediately turn to Facebook? As if I'm just dying for an excuse to uselessly roam around the internet for another wasteful two hours? Because I'm at work and my God how did people do that all day without Facebook?)

(See? Obsession. Boredom is partly to blame, but still.)

Anyhow.

Please feel free to chime in if you have any Facebook observations of your own:

What I've Learned From Facebook:

1. Some women live their entire lives in string bikinis. Their days are filled with coolers of beer, illegal fishing off the side of a boat, and many shades and hues and styles of ass-crack. Sometimes ass-crack against a spectacular sunset. Sometimes ass-crack against a lovely meadow. Sometimes ass-crack against the backdrop of another ass-crack. Sometimes a slide-show of ass-crack against a cacophony of breast-crack. And of course, mojitos. Part of me wants to be one of these women, but alas, I do not have a boat.

2. Profile photos allow for dramatic transformations - either into celebrities, toddlers or infants, or else what is either an ultrasound or an epic sea monkey battle (or maybe a combination of both - a fetus fighting a sea monkey army? Maybe with lightsabers? Wouldn't that be totally awesome?) I keep meaning to ask these friends how their transformations actually took place - if only because I wouldn't mind living for a week as either an infant or a sea monkey. Or Paris Hilton. Mostly because you get to poop wherever and whenever you want, and you also get to be carried around all day in a colorful traveling accessory. And who doesn't want to live like that?

Speaking of which...

3. Some people celebrate their poop - sometimes, more than 3 times a day. My poop, by comparison, goes relatively uncelebrated.

4. Lots of people have moved to share-cropping compounds called FarmVille, where every day they tend to livestock, cultivate iguanas, discover mystery eggs, raise cattle, and build stables. Here, everyone is considered equal and all material items and workloads are distributed evenly amongst the villagers. Nobody is richer or poorer than anyone else, and there is always enough healthcare and magic dragon eggs to go around. Which I guess begs the question: was FarmVille created by Obama as part of a secret government plot to rename the United States The Socialist Farmville Republic of That Lesser Country Underneath Canada? (because we all know how you really feel about us, Canada - WE ALL KNOW!) I suppose only time will tell.

5. Actual clubs (Drama! Key Club! Future Homemakers of America!) are now a thing of the past. On Facebook, people mostly join clubs to promote something they hate, which they may simultaneously also LIKE. (i.e: the organizations known as I Hate When You Stop In the Middle of the Street To Take a Picture, Are You Freaking Retarded?; Stop Bragging About Your Honors Student Because Nobody Cares And You Are Dumber Than He Is; If Your Child Screams In A Crowded Movie Theater I Will Physically Beat Him With This Icee - and so on and so forth.) Confusing? Nah. Communities have always been built upon everyone's shared (beloved?) hatred of a common enemy. You think the United States was formed because we so loved the British and their scones?

Okay, so I know there's a lot I'm leaving out here, but I've gonna cut out of this blog post early to surf my news feed. It's been nearly an hour since I've refreshed. Surely you understand.