So, okay. I don't really give a shit who wins tonight; at the end of the evening, all of those wealthy bitches will go home with free lasik eye surgery coupons regardless of whether they get a statue (meanwhile, I'm still wearing an outdated prescription and polishing off my third Twinkie, which reminds me - I'd like to thank Hostess Pastries for such unprecedented, sponge-cake-creamy goodness, Mom and Dad for the blind thing, and of course, God - both for affording me the ability to recognize Retarded and the right to mock it when doused in sequins and desperation - thank you, all of you, from the bottom of my heart. )
Moving on.
Here we go with a few fashion highlights (or "Fuglights" as it were...)
Miley Cyrus apparently decided to come dressed as the sun. Or Jem, Barbie's Prom date. Or She-Ra. Or her grandmother's cubic zirconian Brooch. Of course, in a perfect world Miley Cyrus wouldn't be allowed at the Oscars at all. Or anywhere else. Still, she is the picture of tinfoil sunshine.
And here we have... Angelina Jolie. Oh, world - I cannot tell you how so very, VERY over Angelina Jolie I am. Sure, she's married to a man who is literally The Walking Multiple Orgasm, and together, the two of them have adopted all of Africa, but now that she's become Queen of the American Celebrity Monarchy, every time she opens her mouth to blabber in her Weird Regal I-Am-Jolie-Speak, I just want to slap her across the face and say, "Bitch, please. You used to wear Billy Bob Thorton's blood in a vial around your neck."
This year, Regal Weirdo Jolie's dress is pretty, but.. uninspired. But my guess is those green earrings will get a lot of attention. I might just have to pick some up next week at Kmart. Oh, the pressure to be like Jolie. Damn you, Jolie.
Oh, Vanessa Hutchins. I only have one question for you. Why.... are you here? And why... did you borrow Scarlet O'Hara's mourning gown? (Okay, that was two questions.) Did you lose a bet with Janine Garafalo and Elvira? (Okay fine, three questions.)
Amy Adams, where... do I even start? First, I loved you much better in Enchanted, when you were wearing cotton-candy colored drapes. Second - did you not get that memo about red hair? And red dresses? Maybe before the next awards show, you should have a word with Agent Scully.
Beyonce, you are my favorite - did you steal this off a depressed lawn chair outside your Great Aunt's house? Also, why are you hooked arm-in-arm with Sasha Fierce? (You know she's not real, right?) Finally, I know this dress shows off the crazy (CRAZY!!) awesomeness of your biceps, but your gold headlights are pointed in two totally different directions.
Leslie Mann - so amazing in Knocked Up - apparently doubles as a Solar Wind panel. Good to see celebs willing to go Green for the environment.
Tilda Swinton came dressed as two completely different garbage bags, with cinches set in strategic places. And by strategic, I mean unfortunate. But maybe this is symbolism - the black and eggshell of the dress represent the good and evil in our world and the changing tides of personal responsibility and... No, I can't. It's just ridiculous. Also, I think the dress understands I'm talking about it and could probably take me.
Amanda Seyfried - today on Unwrapped, Holiday Edition.
Other Related Items:
1. Hugh Jackman + Beyonce Knowles + Marching Band + Dancing Boys + High School Musical + Mamma Mia + the look on Penelope Cruz' face = NO
2. Ben Stiller + Joaquin Pheonix's Ted Kaczynski beard = Awesome
3. 5000 categories + old people who can't read teleprompters + speeches + cut to Brad and Angelina = Time I Will Never Get Back
4. Judd Apatow + Seth Rogen + James Franco = GOLD
5. Slumdog Millionaire > Benjamin Button
6. Winslet > Jolie
7. Silence > Vanessa Hutchins
8. Nose > Sarah Jessica Parker
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I'm glad that you stopped talking about Tilda's dress when you did. It looks angry at you.
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